Random Insights

I have discovered that I only care to write when life's frustrations are too great to fathom alone. On the flip side, I hate doing anything when life sucks. I haven't written anything in a long time because I was obtrusively happy and then, all of a sudden, I fell into a black hole. While I was lost in oblivion, I randomly made comments on a blank screen. Below is what I had to say when noone was listening...

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me. It is important to take a moment or several and enjoy the fleeting sunset.

In life, we all learn many lessons. We learn how to tie our shoes, the ABC’s, and of course, how to make a complete ass of ourselves. However, one of the most important lessons in life isn’t taught in the classroom or the sports field. It has to be learned through heartache, direct or indirect. It is through heartache, a man discovers true happiness. One cannot depend on the life of others to be happy, but must depend on the inner spirit to bring the dreamer into reality. When a person fully realizes this single most important lesson, inner peace is possible.

When did I stop being fearless? I had an epiphany on the way home from my work-out tonight. I realized that I am fearful…of everything! And I’m not exactly sure when the switch happened. I remember when I finally let go my junior year of college. It was at the Leadership Academy Advance, on the high ropes course. I said to myself, “what is the worst that can happen” and then I said, “If this wasn’t safe, we wouldn’t be doing it. Okay, let’s go.” And that was it, for the next year I had no fear. I wanted to conquer everything, go everywhere, and talk to everyone. That was the first time in my life that I really truly was fearless. But, I noticed…over the past several months I have been as fearful and paranoid as all get out! It has made all my recent decisions so much clearer. I took the job in Texas because I knew it was guaranteed, even though I didn’t really want to take it. I stayed here after my internship was over because I knew it was guaranteed and I was scared to find out what would happen if I was vulnerable. I refused to move back to Denver for my boyfriend because I was afraid that I would be leaving a great job and I wouldn’t find one in Denver and then I’d be broke and homeless. I was also putting a lot of pressure on our relationship because I was afraid he was going to leave me for something better instead of being joyful in the current bliss. I have been so afraid over the past several months that I haven’t been living. I’ve just been going through the motions. I’m not depressed, I’m afraid!

So, from this day forward…I pledge to be fearless. At my tumbling class this week my coach was pushing me to do a particular trick. I was so scared that I wouldn’t give my whole heart into trying. The reason I was scared was because the last time I did that trick, I tore my knee up and it has been a long battle to recover. However, tonight I decided, what is the worst that can happen? Sure, I might hurt myself again, but which is worse – living in fear or getting hurt? In my opinion, living in fear is the worst possible alternative and I refuse to live in fear any longer. I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.

Today, I went for a walk. It was just down the paved street, but a walk none the less. I looked up and saw majestic mountains in front of me…but then I realize it was simply a low-hanging cloud. So, I sat on the curb outside of an MD’s office and stared into the sunset. I was so disappointed in my fleeting mountain top I started to cry. I thought to myself, what I love…what makes me happy. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I love Bobby. I love the mountains. I love…helping people. I love to laugh. I love the rushing river. I love the snowfall. I love sitting in the snow on top of a mountain looking at the other snowy mountains. None of that is here, so why am I? A State Farm Insurance commercial came on a few minutes ago and the message was “All that matters is being there”. So why am I here?

Don’t let the mistakes of yesterday ruin the possibilities of tomorrow

Day One - Early Morning Workout

So, my first day of work-outs for marathon training didn't get off to a great start. They didn't get off to a start at all, really. I fully intended to wake up at 5:30am this morning and go work out...but I didn't. Well, I will work-out when I get off work tonight and try to make up a little lost time.

However, I need to start doing my work-outs in the morning because it is more beneficial to the body to work out during early morning.

Peace, Love, and Patience...

Half-Marathon

I am going to start training for a half-marathon. That is 13.5 miles.

For those of you who know me and think, well you're not overweight - so that's no big deal. Here's a little history. I hate running and have had 3 knee surgeries. I have sports induced asthma which means...if I walk too fast for too long, I can't breath...so running for an extended amount of time is pretty much not an option. The ligaments in my ankles are loose from multiple breaks and sprains. My hips are uneven, one is higher than the other, which throws off my spine, which hurts when I sit, stand, or run for extended amounts of time. So...even for those who appear to be 'in shape' aren't always equipped to run a half marathon.

As you can tell, I'm not the ideal candidate for a half-marathon. But, I figure...75% of it is mentle toughness. So, I'm going to get over myself mentally...and do it. My first work-out will be tomorrow. I will post updates as I experience training hell. =)

Peace, Love, and Patience...
Kristin Elizabeth

A Mixture of Emotions...

My college career has just about come to an end. I turned in my final projects and papers today. As long as my professors pass me, I will be a college graduate. That is, if they pass me! I am hoping they will, but I know it won't be with flying colors. It is funny how when everything should be easier and freeing...it is harder and is one of the worst feelings on the planet. I really feel like I screwed up on these last couple projects. I did them at the last minute and didn't really put my heart into them..even though I had the ideas, I didn't back them up with any hard proof. A big "no-no" in the marketing industry. This should be my glory moment..instead, I feel like shit. Not to mention the gigantic fight I had as I was leaving Denver. Great way to leave a lasting impression, eh?

I am incredibly unhappy at this moment. However, when I get back to Amarillo and things are the way they should be, I will feel better. I don't like being out of control. It's a phobia and is scary as hell. I suppose that's why I'm not the best roommate. I feel that everything has its place, and that place is where I put it and if you move it, I will kill you! In Amarillo, although it is not the most desirable city on earth, I have my own apartment. No one gets to move my shit around and not tell me...because no one else is there! Of course, that also makes me sad. I do like my "alone time" but I miss human interaction every no and again. I suppose that's why it is good that I am in a tumbling class once a week. So far, that has satisfied my need to interactions outside the office. I am hopeful I can make some friends from the tumbling class. I also plan to get a second job after while. Perhaps, mid-March or so. I'd like to enjoy the post-grad phase of no homework a little bit before I pile on a super busy schedule.

My step-dad ordered me a new t.v. last week. I had previously donated mine to the, "the cousins are always at grandma's house and don't have a working t.v." cause last summer. haha. So, I am being rewarded for my selflessness with a new t.v. this summer! Karma is fantastic. =)

I am still searching for what I am truly passionate about. I'm considering getting a Master's in Organizational Leadership with a focus on Training and Development. However, I'm not sure if I want to stay in the training field forever. But, my mom did make a good point that the skills aquired could be transferred to the non-profit setting and working with youth. Because, essentially, I would be training youth in some fashion - even if I was just a camp counselor, the psychology is all the same.

But, in the end..I'm still searching. I haven't found my true passion yet and this makes me wonder if I am still searching in other faucets of my life. Hmmm...

Peace, Love, and Patience...

Kristin

Work Out Summary

I did the elliptical for 30 minutes today.

Promotion

So, today at work I signed an official acceptance letter at the company I have been interning. I get a significant pay raise and benefits. So..I'm pretty pumped. It's an assistant position, so not ideal...BUT it is a great opportunity to learn a lot about HR and training functions. It will be good. I'll also have some more responsibilities. I'll be taking on resumes and finding job seekers for open positions. Should be interesting.

However, I still hate sitting behind a desk! But - I am starting to work out at lunch and try and move around a lot and listen to the radio so I don't zone out too bad. I still need to get classes though so I don't keep straining my eyes.

I am going to buy a scale soon and start doing my weight counter on the side again. I have graduation and weddings coming up, so I need to get into shape so I can wear cute dresses and feel comfortable in them.

I will keep you updated!

Peace, Love, and Patience...
Kristin Elizabeth

Bi-Polar Career

So...I'm having second thoughts about the job I'm currently at.

I mean, its a great job and I work with wonderful people...but I hate to be stuck behind a desk all day. It's just not me. I hate desk work...and I don't concentrate for that long very well. I just don't understand how someone can "enjoy" doing work that is so repetitive and doesn't inspire creativity. I do, however, get to be creative once in a while, but because of marketing and branding restrictions...I don't really get to be creative because everything has to look the same. So, therefore I do not really get a chance to truly be creative.

I want to be active and work with children. Looking back, I'm not sure why I chose the major I did. I love working with children...

It's not just that though, I want an active working life...I can't handle sitting at a desk for much longer. And it is taking a toll on my extremities...my legs have started aching....

I don't know. I haven't been doing my lunch workouts because it was xmas week then i got sick and you can't work out when you're sick...it makes you worse.

But...I'm going to stick it out for a while. I signed up for a tumbling class on Mondays starting at the end of Jan. so hopefully that will work some kinks out..and I'll be going to the gym when I get back from Denver next week. We will see. I also think that if I get invovled in a church with a young adults group and maybe help out with the youth group or something, that will help as well. I could really spend all day just playing games and running a camp or something.

I think I just realized what my dream job is....a camp. I could never really figure it out. It's so simple. Running a summer camp - why didn't I think of it sooner. Hmm...dunno. Wow, that feels good. Maybe open a small library (I love reading) and a summer camp. It could have a book a week that the young kids read and longer sessions for the older kids. Oh that would be so neat. But not be like a book/reading camp...be a fun summer camp, but incorporate books so the kids will learn to love reading. And they could have a workshop where they could record their own books on audio, oh that would be so neat.

Alright, well that feels good. lol.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get there!!!! haha.

Well, that's all for now-

Peace, Love, and Patience...

Kristin Elizabeth