Random Insights

I have discovered that I only care to write when life's frustrations are too great to fathom alone. On the flip side, I hate doing anything when life sucks. I haven't written anything in a long time because I was obtrusively happy and then, all of a sudden, I fell into a black hole. While I was lost in oblivion, I randomly made comments on a blank screen. Below is what I had to say when noone was listening...

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me. It is important to take a moment or several and enjoy the fleeting sunset.

In life, we all learn many lessons. We learn how to tie our shoes, the ABC’s, and of course, how to make a complete ass of ourselves. However, one of the most important lessons in life isn’t taught in the classroom or the sports field. It has to be learned through heartache, direct or indirect. It is through heartache, a man discovers true happiness. One cannot depend on the life of others to be happy, but must depend on the inner spirit to bring the dreamer into reality. When a person fully realizes this single most important lesson, inner peace is possible.

When did I stop being fearless? I had an epiphany on the way home from my work-out tonight. I realized that I am fearful…of everything! And I’m not exactly sure when the switch happened. I remember when I finally let go my junior year of college. It was at the Leadership Academy Advance, on the high ropes course. I said to myself, “what is the worst that can happen” and then I said, “If this wasn’t safe, we wouldn’t be doing it. Okay, let’s go.” And that was it, for the next year I had no fear. I wanted to conquer everything, go everywhere, and talk to everyone. That was the first time in my life that I really truly was fearless. But, I noticed…over the past several months I have been as fearful and paranoid as all get out! It has made all my recent decisions so much clearer. I took the job in Texas because I knew it was guaranteed, even though I didn’t really want to take it. I stayed here after my internship was over because I knew it was guaranteed and I was scared to find out what would happen if I was vulnerable. I refused to move back to Denver for my boyfriend because I was afraid that I would be leaving a great job and I wouldn’t find one in Denver and then I’d be broke and homeless. I was also putting a lot of pressure on our relationship because I was afraid he was going to leave me for something better instead of being joyful in the current bliss. I have been so afraid over the past several months that I haven’t been living. I’ve just been going through the motions. I’m not depressed, I’m afraid!

So, from this day forward…I pledge to be fearless. At my tumbling class this week my coach was pushing me to do a particular trick. I was so scared that I wouldn’t give my whole heart into trying. The reason I was scared was because the last time I did that trick, I tore my knee up and it has been a long battle to recover. However, tonight I decided, what is the worst that can happen? Sure, I might hurt myself again, but which is worse – living in fear or getting hurt? In my opinion, living in fear is the worst possible alternative and I refuse to live in fear any longer. I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.

Today, I went for a walk. It was just down the paved street, but a walk none the less. I looked up and saw majestic mountains in front of me…but then I realize it was simply a low-hanging cloud. So, I sat on the curb outside of an MD’s office and stared into the sunset. I was so disappointed in my fleeting mountain top I started to cry. I thought to myself, what I love…what makes me happy. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I love Bobby. I love the mountains. I love…helping people. I love to laugh. I love the rushing river. I love the snowfall. I love sitting in the snow on top of a mountain looking at the other snowy mountains. None of that is here, so why am I? A State Farm Insurance commercial came on a few minutes ago and the message was “All that matters is being there”. So why am I here?

Don’t let the mistakes of yesterday ruin the possibilities of tomorrow