Have you ever felt alone in a crowd? Gone into a crowded restaurant and had the waiter bang away at the silverware removing it, oh so subtly, from your table? Have you ever sat in a park and watched lover's stroll by engulfed by the other's face, kids running so quickly down a hill, they might as well roll down it...and then they do, and watched best friends throw a frisbee or play football while you sit alone on your blanket with a "good book" (of which we ALL KNOW is a cover...you know no one is coming to join you...and so do I.) If you have experienced any of these...you know, that it is possibly the WORST feeling in the entire world.
Now, I am a fairly confident person most of the time. For the past several years, I have partaken in all of the above NUMEROUS times, and sometimes...I just want to curl up in a ball and hide in darkness in the corner...and I'm scared of the dark, but at times I would rather be terrified than alone. Which is quite a peculiar thought, because it is often terrifying to be alone!
Today I ate dinner alone, again. I also don't like to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes...I fight back the tears (for example, right now). I don't know a whole lot of people that eat on campus...scratch that, live on campus...much less that eat on campus. So...when I go to the lunch room, I know very few if any. Which leads to sitting by myself. Well, tonight I pulled out a book and proceeded to read while I sat and ate alone. I swear to God there was a table go on about me. I could fucking hear them. Which, that in itself, pisses me off. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes I hate looking around the lunch room and catching wandering eyes that have noticed I am sitting by myself, so I typically keep my head down for the most part. Then when I was putting my stuff on my tray, this very very nice boy that lives in my residence hall was walking past to his table and offered to throw it away for me because he was on the way to the trash can anyhow (except...he didn't have anything in his hand but an empty glass). I thanked him and proceeded to leave, as I'm walking past the table that was previously talking about me, they all busted up laughing and go "that was random".
Like I said, I am now currently fighting the tears. It is bad enough sitting alone...but that was unnecessary. I'm probably going to start getting box lunches from the cafeteria and resort to eating either at my desk or in my room. This option is still rather pathetic, but much less embarrassing.
Next time you see someone sitting alone and eating...join them, you may never understand the difference it will make.
4 comments:
Hi Kristin! First of all, let me say that I appreciate your honesty and enjoy reading every bit of information you provide on the different themes pertaining your life. And I may also say that I have experienced perhaps for the most part of my life what you have described. Here is therefore what I have learned:
I don't need ANYBODY to enjoy ANYTHING in life with. The only crowd to which I have a desire, and impossible to live without attachment, is my family. Would you have liked instead that the crowd which spoke about you would've sat with you? Is being alone so bad when there's so many people not worth the time of the intelligent and good-hearted?
I really beleived that it was a huge pain being alone, doing anything alone! But I was enormously mistaken.
I beleive that what you have described in this post is rather emotional than rational. I assume that this was not the only thing that bothered you that day, and had you been in a better enthusiastic mood, you would've pitied that crowd and perhaps not even notice their chatting.
I trust that you often, as a habit, have better judgement than this, when your emotions don't get the best of you. I don't think that there's anything I could tell you that you don't already know. Silly college kids! The kind that hide their emotions and are dying inside. The kind that need to belittle someone else to feel superior. The kind that are engrossed in stupidity because they would kill to have any attention -no matter how little and insignifficant- of their peers. How awful must it be to be like that! You must be witty and courageous not only to know better than to be painfully accompanied, but also to have the strength of will to not show any ressemblance to the behaviour of silly children.
p.s. I'm really enjoying my book as if I was one of the characters.
If my writing appears unusual, it is because I have been spending almost all my leisure time reading Pride & Prejudice, that as strikingly as it may sound, had never read before.
If I'm not mistaken, your hometown is Texas, right? I hope your family is alright. I'll put them in my prayers.
oh kristin!
i am sooooooo happy you came out to casino night. it is what you needed. and darn it dont wait for me to call you....
call me anytime!
xo Ryan
hey Kristin,
It's me, molly - Wilson #2!
don't mean to be a creeper or anything haha considering I have never read anything of yours (which by the way - your sentence structure is very captivating). but I was like "hey there's kristin - what's going on in her life" (cause I haven't seen you in forever!)...
So long story short - I kept reading and reading your blogs and the one about sitting alone at the beginning of the school year just broke my heart. I hope first of all that i wasn't in the lunch room when this happened (because I would owe you an apology), but that if I wasn't there, I wish I had been so that blog never would have existed and those people would have gotten a chance to hurt your feelings.
So yeah, just wanted to let you know that. I hope you're doing well and loving Texas (as all Americans should, haha jk).
Take care and congrats on being graduated! I will be walking this May as well so I will see you there =)!
Molly
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